The things I don’t remember

The things I don’t remember:

I didn’t remember telling Michele that crossing your z’s is dumb in the fourth grade. She was outraged when she saw me doing it in highschool. Gosh I’m sorry, was I really that mean?

I didn’t remember translating my brother in law’s letter to my parents asking for my sister’s hand in marriage into Korean. That seems really hard, but also so fun and sweet that he included me like that, did that really happen?

I didn’t remember whether or not something my mom told me was true that she insisted was. We fought about it. And when we fought, I didn’t remember the verse I memorized just a few weeks ago after fighting with my husband. 

“Know this my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20

My about to turn 5 year old son who may actually have the Holy Spirit indwelling him already said to me, “mama, sometimes I say I’m going to be a good boy and do good things and then right after that I disobey.” 

“Me too, M.” 

When I feel irritated, or misunderstood, or offended, I don’t remember. 

I don’t remember the woman I want to be. One that is gentle, kind, and meek (which doesn’t just mean quiet but pursuing peace and not easily worked up). I don’t remember the respect others deserve, and how my tone can tear them down. 

I don’t remember the foolishness of returning to the same sins I committed to overcoming last time. I don’t remember that the eternal God entered time into this wicked and depraved world to become sin for me because of my flippancy about sin. 

I don’t remember the glory I want to give my God.

I don’t remember so much. I am so finite and weak. 

I want to remember. 

Alas, I am in a sinful body, and until my Lord returns to grant me a new body, or until this body goes back to the dust, I will not be rid of the temptations that rear their ugly heads all day. 

Yet, the Lord has called me to perfect holiness, and it is good and right to strive for it with the means he has given me. 

So let me take up the Word, let me pray with full belief, let me meditate on the Scriptures, and confess sin and seek prayer from my brothers and sisters. 

And let me be sanctified, Lord. 

“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭7‬:‭24‬-‭25‬ ‭ESV‬‬