The things I don’t remember

The things I don’t remember:

I didn’t remember telling Michele that crossing your z’s is dumb in the fourth grade. She was outraged when she saw me doing it in highschool. Gosh I’m sorry, was I really that mean?

I didn’t remember translating my brother in law’s letter to my parents asking for my sister’s hand in marriage into Korean. That seems really hard, but also so fun and sweet that he included me like that, did that really happen?

I didn’t remember whether or not something my mom told me was true that she insisted was. We fought about it. And when we fought, I didn’t remember the verse I memorized just a few weeks ago after fighting with my husband. 

“Know this my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20

My about to turn 5 year old son who may actually have the Holy Spirit indwelling him already said to me, “mama, sometimes I say I’m going to be a good boy and do good things and then right after that I disobey.” 

“Me too, M.” 

When I feel irritated, or misunderstood, or offended, I don’t remember. 

I don’t remember the woman I want to be. One that is gentle, kind, and meek (which doesn’t just mean quiet but pursuing peace and not easily worked up). I don’t remember the respect others deserve, and how my tone can tear them down. 

I don’t remember the foolishness of returning to the same sins I committed to overcoming last time. I don’t remember that the eternal God entered time into this wicked and depraved world to become sin for me because of my flippancy about sin. 

I don’t remember the glory I want to give my God.

I don’t remember so much. I am so finite and weak. 

I want to remember. 

Alas, I am in a sinful body, and until my Lord returns to grant me a new body, or until this body goes back to the dust, I will not be rid of the temptations that rear their ugly heads all day. 

Yet, the Lord has called me to perfect holiness, and it is good and right to strive for it with the means he has given me. 

So let me take up the Word, let me pray with full belief, let me meditate on the Scriptures, and confess sin and seek prayer from my brothers and sisters. 

And let me be sanctified, Lord. 

“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭7‬:‭24‬-‭25‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Tradeoffs

 Tradeoffs 

In parenting, every decision you make is a tangible trade off. You can rock to sleep and enjoy a faster sleep routine, but you’ll probably need to do it again later since your baby doesn’t self soothe. You can relax the rule and let your child go without discipline, but they will test your boundaries next time since no repercussions followed through. You can be the fun parent and indulge in delicious sweets, but you will have to grapple with the sugar high that accompanies it. 

Now, I speak as a snuggle loving, really don’t feel like disciplining right now, chocolate chips in every pancake mom, so no judgment here. There’s a balance to everything and you as the parent are responsible for choosing your battles and caring for your children wisely.

Instead, I call out the reality of the trade off because it demonstrates that there is something we are choosing in every decision we make, whether conscious or not. 

So how foolish is it then when we make these choices and then forget what good we saw and instead fixate on the trade off? 

You choose a spouse because of his wonderful qualities, but grumble when his thriftiness says no to a larger eating out budget. You pick a job because it offers you excitement or salary or culture, but enviously look to what another role has that yours is missing. You become a parent because children are a joy and honor, but look at them as barriers to your old independence and delights. 

There are difficulties and unintended consequences that come with tradeoffs, and while they can certainly be challenging and discouraging, we ought to remember what we chose in the first place. 

A godly husband who wants to steward the family budget with biblical giving in mind. The delight of spending my days with my boys, parenting them intimately and shaping their minds. The privilege of being the comfort and nourishment my baby needs to sleep and grow. 

Our disposition towards these things comes down to where we decide to focus our minds. So today, forget the down side and remember the why. Remember the good. And may your heart be filled with thanksgiving to the One who has granted every good thing. 

Faithful in little, rewarded with more

"Well done, my good and faithful servant." 

These words are a powerful and familiar motivation for us to live faithfully in obedience to His Word, but they are one of the many verses in the Bible that are so highlighted that we forget what comes before and after it (anyone know John 3:15 and 17?).

Actually, this verse is presented in both the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25 and the Parable of the Minas in Luke 19. 

• "His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’" (Matthew 25:21)
• "And he said to him, ‘Well done, good servant! Because you have been faithful in a very little, you shall have authority over ten cities.’" "‘I tell you that to everyone who has, more will be given, but from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away." (Luke 19:17, 26)

In this format you'll see that the similarities are not only "well done, good and faithful servant" but that the servant was faithful over little, and was then rewarded with more. Matthew 25:29 reiterates "For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance." 

An abundance of what? Authority. The faithful servant will be set over more to steward for the glory of God. The idea that we will be given more to steward should remind us that we are here now with the responsibility of stewarding that which we currently have authority over not for our own goals, but for the kingdom of God. As servants of the King we begin now to do the work we will continue to do in eternity, which is to rule over that which we've been given in faithful obedience. 

I won't dip into eschatology here to consider what we'll be ruling over exactly, but God's Word is clear that believers will rule. These passages, as well as a description of another faithful and wise servant in Matthew 24, tell us that we ought to be found doing what the master set us to do when he comes back. For he too, when found faithfully doing this work, would then be set over all the master's possessions.

If I'm being honest, I'm not super motivated by this idea of being given an abundance more to rule over for the glory of God, but the pattern is undeniable in these texts. Jesus the King offers it to me as an incentive to be about my master's business with the little I currently have authority over. And perhaps if I loved the glory of God more, I would indeed delight to enter into the joy of having more, having an abundance to bring him glory with. 

So let me be awake and ready. Let me watch for my Master's return. Let me be about his business, bringing into submission my mind, my body, my heart, my all to love God and obey his commands. Let me guard the good deposit I've been given of God's Word, and bear the fruit of good works unto the praise and adoration of God's name. 

And when I go home or my master returns, let me have a heart that says, "I am an unworthy servant, I have only done what was my duty" (Luke 17:10) for truly it is my privilege to live as a slave of righteousness in the glorious Kingdom of God.  

What is the matter of relationships?

What is the matter of relationships? Like what is the stuff it’s made of? 

In childhood, cooking up relationships is like growing chia pets. Throw some water and sun on school, church, and extra curricular activities and with almost zero effort, boom you have friendships. The friendship is made up of being in the same places at the same times together, and memories ensue. 

As an adult who has been blessed with both just-for-that-season friendships and decades long ones, I find myself surprised now by what actions, events, and exchanges make up those relationships. 

Some snapshots of my friends:

• preparing all the stages of bread-making ahead of time to teach me when I came over for a playdate
• coming to my mom’s house after my dad died with fruits, chatting on our couch and cutting the fruits up for her
• texting my mom happy Mother’s Day and leaving her flowers
• catching up on the phone while I run errands, even though I regrettably am only able to offer a portion of my attention
• writing a letter to me warning me of the dangers of replacing my affections for my husband with adoration for my baby
• buying a gift for my son because it reminded you of him and you knew he’d enjoy it 
• texting me at the top of every month to ask how you can be praying for me this month
• confessing sin to one another and remembering to truly pray and hold each other accountable 
• letting me sit on your couch and cry after hearing criticism and sharing your own ministry hurts and wisdom while holding my sleeping baby
• and of course in CA, driving, driving through traffic, driving long distances with exorbitant gas prices, just to hang out with me and my boys in our little living room, making small talk with my four year old while I put the baby down for his nap 

Boy, are these adult friendships different. 

Especially as a mom, I can’t sit over coffee and offer you my full attention for hours on end anymore. I can’t join you for a spontaneous girls’ getaway to the beach. I can’t have lunch together every day and hear story after story while getting you cold water mixed with some hot because I remember cold by itself makes your teeth hurt. I miss it all dearly, because as one who once prided herself in being a good friend, I so wish I still could. 

But growing up means change, and a growing family means that every withdrawal of my time, money, and energy has a direct effect on them. So I look fondly on the old stuff of relationships from younger seasons and tuck them away in my mental keepsake box. 

The new stuff, the new matter, looks like knowing someone thought of me. Knowing someone prayed for me. Knowing someone prepared for me, took the risk to challenge me in love, and knew me well enough to do so. And these are what I strive to do in turn for my friends. 

To all who are stumbling their way through developing friendships as adults, consider these ways to slowly make the deposits that build up into flourishing friendships. It’s not measured solely by time (though time is a great gift to a friend as well), but also by intention. 

Make the conversations count. Remember what they shared last time. Take that extra little step to make sure your friend knows you care. Bake the muffins, make the visit, show up. It may be just one day or one conscious effort, but when you look back over the years you’ll see that just a handful of moments can make up the matter of a beautiful friendship, and for that you will be grateful. I know I sure am. 

Weak Woman, Strong God

Confession: everything about being a mother and homemaker is difficult for me. I am unskilled. I lack self-control, patience, and grace. The last 5 years have increasingly shown me one thing: I am weak.

It’s humbling. In my lowest moments I think back to the 20 year old marching across that San Diego college campus. Running between my 3 internships, starting a Christian a cappella group, leading praise team, discipling ladies, graduating early, being encouraged by my professor to pursue a PhD. I felt competent and confident and carefree.

Compare that to the 29 year old me, laying on the floor of my boys’ room in the middle of the night in my cloud of sleep deprivation induced anxiety thinking, “I can’t keep them safe. I can’t keep them safe.”

If that sounds a bit dramatic I will grant myself the caveat that I had those thoughts after my second son seemed to be taking after his brother and developing life-threatening food allergies. When a rogue particle of egg or cheesy toddler hand can kill your child it quickly reduces you into a puddle of acknowledged lack of control.

But it’s not just the food allergies I find hard. It’s cooking and cleaning and basically doing thousands of tiny reps of bicep curls each day with 20 pounds of baby. It’s dying to self, putting someone else first, getting up and doing the next right thing every moment of the day because I’m the one needed to do it. None of selfless service comes naturally and I’m ashamed at my lack of fortitude when I consider the billions of women, all the mothers before me who have borne, birthed, raised, and educated their children while managing their homes (without washers, dryers, ovens, and robot vacuums I might add.)

Rewinding back to that college self would be useless because that girl had zero skills and an appalling lack of basic understanding about how to care for a family. I now know how to do a great deal more than I used to, and have become faster and more adept at my work. I’ve learned my husband and children, their quirks and dislikes, the best ways to encourage them and correct them. But still, the reality is I am only one marital argument, one broken home appliance, one food allergy reaction, one unexpected tantrum, one bad sickness, one harsh criticism from being completely laid out and uncovered as the incompetent sinner that I am.

And yet, God does not despise the weak.

Rather, a look through the Bible shows God seemingly choosing the weak, intentionally selecting those without strength or status or wealth, even cutting down armies of perfectly capable fighting men to demonstrate that the victory is through his strength alone.

Of the two versions of me, the confident one was the fool. It’s true, I cannot keep my children safe, and what hubris causes anyone to think they have the control to accomplish anything by their own might? It is sober and clear vision to recognize that all of my abilities are in the hand of the sovereign Lord of the universe, to be added to or taken away as He sees fit.

And He cares for us. And He loves to glorify his name by being our help and our salvation. He who is my rescuer with a strong hand and mighty arm, will he despise my plea to protect my children and grant me wisdom to steward their health well? Will he not pour out the riches of his mercy and equip me for every good work as he has promised? Will he who sent his only Son, not redeem my own by that precious divine blood?

It is good to know you are weak. Because then God is made (seen as he is) strong. I am a weak woman, and praise God! For the weak have a mighty God.

10 Years of Glory

10 years ago I received this Bible on the birthday that marked my last year as a teen (thanks, Becca 💕). Today, I enter my last year in my 20s.

I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but there is a legitimate sadness to growing up and old importances fading away. I’ve accepted with a heavy heart that it is right and good for our finite nature to force us to let go of attachments to places, once dear friendships, and even the remembrance of our memories. As much as I desperately want to, my arms and hands aren’t big enough to carry them all and they slip through my fingers as the years go by. 

While some slight grieving is warranted, I look on my 20s and know that what I’ve gained during this time is of infinite worth. I’m not talking about the jobs I’ve had, the friends I’ve cherished, or even the precious family I’ve gained, though they have all been undeserved blessings from God’s hand. 

What I have had in the 10 years I’ve held this Bible, is a decade of glory. Some time in 2013 my eyes, once blind to the treasures and beauty of God, were opened to all that I had previously been unable to see. Namely, visions of 

• the hopeless state of my dead soul without God, an enemy in high-handed rebellion against the King, a slave to sin

• the blazing holiness of God and his perfect justice to dole out just punishments under his divine prerogative, his astounding patience and forgiveness in light of his righteousness

• the great and perfect rescue through which I was plucked out of the dominion of darkness and my feet firmly planted in the kingdom of light

• the impossibility of the divine Creator selflessly entering into creation as a man and allowing himself to be murdered for the sake of his murderers, that the sustainer of life could even be subjected to the humility of death

• the riches of grace which have been lavished on me through Jesus Christ - my justification, the imputation of his righteousness on my sorry frame, the Fathers adoption of me, my slow sanctification, the promised glorification and co-heirship with the Son of God

• his never-ending steadfast loving kindness which carries us from life to eternity with comfort and help 

• how his perfect truth has sustained his saints through the ages, and how it is the only solid ground on which to stand through the sands of time

• the great meta narrative of all things being through Christ, to Christ, and for Christ, and the joy of forgetting oneself and submitting to his great commission and coming kingdom 

• the sufficiency of God’s Word to inform wise thinking for every issue in our age

The glory of God in his Word, in the Spirit’s working, has been poured out over me this past decade. This is a real list of all the things revealed to me, like silk covers being pulled off display cases one after another. I have enjoyed both deep understanding and bewilderment at the vastness and goodness of our God. Every day he reveals himself as more perfect and more wise than I can comprehend. There is yet still so much more to anticipate, a lifetime and an eternity of gazing into this blinding glory, and of knowing and being known by our Heavenly Father.