Things I learned on maternity leave

My absurdly gracious maternity leave is finally coming to a close. As I pray and fight Martyn for him to take the bottle before Tuesday, I'm also recounting the wonderful things I've learned in the past almost 6 months:

• The sovereign God who upholds the universe has regard for tiny new lives. He is so merciful to touch little ones with the kindness of healing. 
• The feeling of being upheld by the powerful prayers of the saints, and the sweet joy of bearing together the burdens of the church body
• My mom was right. I would crave korean seaweed soup for every meal for weeks after delivering baby.
• Every conversation, every need that needs to be met, every conflict, every hour is an opportunity to glorify God. If we resist Satan in it, he will flee from us.
• My Father who sees my righteous deeds in secret will save up for me an eternal reward. I need not squander that reward on earth by recounting those deeds to my husband or others in hopes of receiving the praise of man. 
• After extensive study, it is indeed not clear exactly what that eternal reward will be or how it will work. But what is clear is this, God cares about our heart and our deeds of obedience. He will reward them. There is a crown of life and righteousness and glory awaiting us, and we don't deserve it..
• All of those righteous deeds are from His hand. One night, Martyn cries and I look at him lovingly with a heart full of joy to rock him as he screams. Another night, I grumble and complain with hatred in my heart. The difference is prayer and a humble heart to know that I must ask God to continue preparing good works for me.
• Do not fall into the trap of asking if I deserve a break or if others in the household are not doing enough. Jesus my Master washed the feet of sinners and died on a wretched cross for me. I am to gladly serve with a heart filled with unworthy joy. 
• George Whitefield is, like, a really good preacher.
• Repent faster. Speak truth to myself faster. Break the delusion of self-righteousness faster. There isn't enough time in the day for my wretchedness.
• Babies have issues. They are tiny human beings that are underdeveloped in ways that give them many ailments. My joy and trust in the Lord must remain steadfast through each momentary suffering. 
• Crockpots are awesome.

It Was My Sin That Held Him There, Until It Was Accomplished

When I read “The Mortification of Sin” this year, I expected to find help in repenting of and overcoming those "pet" sins which I considered to be gray area matters. Things like being on social media a little too much, deciding to watch a YouTube video or an episode of something when I could be devoting my mind to spiritual things, or speaking of someone in a way that might be borderline gossip. Given that this is what I expected to find, I read it in that lens. But last week, I was forced to realize how desperately I actually need the lessons in that book.

I'll save the details of our family matters, because the circumstances don't justify anything. I basically found myself in a situation where I was serving my family, as I should be, and I was tired of it. I felt like I should be receiving more praise, I felt like I deserved a pity party, and I felt like indulging in irritation. And my mind knew, these are sinful. It was not a gray area matter, it was not even a question, I said to myself in that moment: "I am sinning, and I. don't. care."

I'm embarrassed to recount that, because it is 100% inexcusable. It is at best annoyingly immature, and more frankly worthy of divine wrath. I was surprised to realize I felt this way. The Lord is typically kind to grant me repentance, but in this instance, my eyes had seen the sin, and I had hungrily taken hold of it and gobbled it up, and I wanted more. I wanted to fume, I wanted to pout and whine and grumble in detesting the glorious and merciful gifts the Lord has given me in my family. God forbid it ever happen, but have you ever let your flesh go off the rails like this?

Thankfully, within a few hours I was made to see the grossness of my heart anew. Praise God for it. I'm not gonna make it romantic guys, it wasn't some grand lesson that has propelled me into spiritual maturity. It was a low moment, even (or especially?) for a redeemed sinner on earth, and I want to equip myself and you all with how to renew your mind should you ever find yourself in this wretched place:

A few notes on seeing sin rightly, taken from John Owen:

• The lust of the heart is crafty, it darkens the mind to keep it from understanding its own miserable condition. It comes equipped with excuses to muddy the waters of what is good and what is evil. Evil sin is evil. Leave no room for justifications or it will grow stronger in taking hold of you. "Take heed, lest any of you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin" (abbrev. of Heb 3:12-13)
  
• The pursuit of sin means you forfeit the powers of peace and joy with God (at least in this moment). This is not a comment on your eternal assurance of salvation. But right there as you choose the sin, you must recognize that you are choosing to give up the present joy of fellowship with God, and instead wound your own soul in the life-long battle against Satan. The sin you grasp hold of will only cause "broken bones, a disquieted soul, and grievous wounds" during your earthly pilgrimage, as David so describes in his psalms.
  
• Consider the shame (not before others, but between you and God). Against the infinite patience and forbearance of the Father, you have acted treacherously and falsely, flattering him with your lips, but breaking all promises and engagements. The Lord Jesus is wounded afresh by this present sin, his love is betrayed, his adversary gratified. You actively grieve the Holy Spirit who has come to your soul, a seal of the inheritance prepared for you. "What have I done? What love, what mercy, what blood, what grace, have I despised and trampled on! Is this the return I make to the Father for his love, to the Son for his blood, to the Holy Ghost for his grace?"
  

Let these stir in you a longing for deliverance. "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" 

And may a right thinking of your sin lead also to a joyful answer as it always should, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" 

Peace I ask, but peace must be, Lord, in being one with Thee

A disclaimer up front that the following should really be two blog posts, but I mashed them into one because hey, it's my blog, and the thoughts rolled out like this:

BLOG POST 1:
Martyn has eczema. So naturally, I turned to mama facebook groups to ask how do I fix it? The answers I received were overwhelming. Cut dairy and/or gluten and/or eggs and/or peanuts. Change his bath temperature, bath wash, organic cotton clothes, laundry detergent. Grapeseed oil, aquaphor, steroid creams, antibiotics. Perhaps describing my reaction as "naturally," really is the best way to describe my initial delusions. My fleshly nature, considering myself to be God, desired to take hold of the situation and assert my sovereignty over it. I would calculate the factors, do the research, and heal my baby! But very quickly, the seemingly endless number of potential solutions dissolved me into an indecisive puddle. Is aquaphor helping or hurting his condition? Should I bathe him more often, or less often? Am I a bad mom if I eat this chocolate cake? All to say, the Lord was gracious to stop me in my anxious meandering and bring me to meditate on Philippians 3 and 4.

Philippians 3:18-20 tells us that those who are the enemies of the cross of Christ have their minds set on earthly things. We are called then, not to set our minds on earthly things, but consider our citizenship in heaven, and instead await our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. But Paul is not telling us to remove all thought of matters of the present world. He tells us instead, not to be anxious about anything "but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God" (4:6). So by all means, pray wholeheartedly for your baby's skin, or the many greater and lesser issues that concern our human conditions. If we do so while putting off the anxious heart, we are promised in exchange "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding" and it will "guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus" (4:7). God knows we are attacked and afflicted by anxiety, and our wonderful defense against it is Christ Jesus.

Moreover, we are to set our minds on that which is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. As we do this and continue to practice what we have seen and received and heard in the Word of God, the God of peace will be with us (4:8-9). For our God is a God who supplies our every need according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Sparknotes to remind myself next time Martyn's bandaid falls off and he starts rubbing at his open eczema sore with his fists:

• Do not set my mind on earthly things
• Consider my citizenship in heaven
• Await my Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ
• Pray with thanksgiving to the God of peace
• Make my requests known to God in supplication
• Remember that my heart and mind is guarded by Christ Jesus
• Set my mind on what is really good
• Practice what I have seen and received and heard in the Word of God
• Remember that God supplies my every need in the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus

BLOGPOST 2:
I don't like that I just wrote a blog post about how God helps my anxiety. God is so much bigger than my feelings, and has done so much more than cure this earthly predicament.

From early on, I've had an aversion to women's ministry content. It often felt like it was addressing me as if my biggest issues were body image, discontent with singleness, and feeling "broken". Not only were these all things that I didn't actually struggle with, I felt like they were sorely missing the mark because my greatest problem is this: I am a sinner before a holy God.

But then I became a mom, and all of a sudden the mom blogs were singing my tune. I do need gospel hope in breastfeeding, in sleeplessness, in doing chores joyfully, in trying to have patience and grace and gentleness. The reality is, the person and work of Jesus Christ does indeed have beautiful implications for all our earthly issues.

BUT, it cannot end there. What a pity it is if I clasp my hands joyfully around the little momentary peace I've received, and I fail to look up into the glorious face of the Prince of Peace who has bought my eternal reconciliation.

In Hebrews 3:1-6 we see a description of the glory of Moses, only to show how "Jesus has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses - as much more glory as the builder of a house has more honor than the house itself". The writer of Hebrews employs a tactic of acknowledging the goodness of the lesser in order to further highlight the greatness of the greater.

I reference this because I believe we need to stop settling for the lesser of earthly grace, and let its glory show the greater eternal truth as ever more glorious. Yes, God takes away the hurt of feeling unloved, but marvel even more at the love which condescended from heavenly glory to the cross. God's sovereignty does free us from frustration with singleness, but consider more the eternal hand that predestined you unto salvation through His Son. For these and all other earthly joys granted to us from our gracious God, may we focus our minds on the only One who is worthy of our eternal praise. Enjoy the sunset, and fear the Almighty Creator. Relish in the comfort of your bed, and adore the Good Shepherd who gives rest to your soul. Delight in your little ones, and remember Abba Father who has loved you into adoption through the sacrifice of his own begotten.

Prince of Peace, control my will,
Bid this struggling heart be still;
Bid my fears and doubtings cease,
Hush my spirit into peace.

Thou hast bought me with thy blood,
Open'd wide the gate to God;
Peace, I ask, but peace must be,
Lord, in being one with thee.

("Prince of Peace, Control My Will" - Mary Dana Shindler)

Wonderfully and Fearfully Made

"Quickening": the first moment a mother feels her baby's movement in the womb

It's a shame we don't use this word much anymore. Admittedly, baby's first movements feel more like gas moving around your insides (so sweet right?) than anything else. But the word calls attention to the moment a mama feels the truth and reality of what has been taking place in her womb for quite some time: the knitting together of a soul, a child that is an image-bearer of God. 

Pregnancy comes with many spiritual lessons. I have been genuinely humbled to realize anew that there is truly nothing good in me. When stripped of even the least bit of my health and comfort and emotional stability, what rears its ugly head is again the old man, the flesh which cherishes complaining, relishes in lashing out in frustration, and joyfully entertains idolatrous thoughts of self and the "justice" in being upset or lazy or self-centered. 

Personal sanctification aside, pregnancy has also taught me how badly our modern culture has twisted the focus of Psalm 139:14 "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." First off, you don't usually even hear the second half of that verse as it's used in every teenage girl's devotional as a "you are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are fearful(?)" as if the focus is on how precious you are, and don't you forget it you special snowflake! Let me present a different focus. I have walked around for the past 6 months eating and sleeping and thinking nothing of the miraculous work that is taking place in my womb. I make absolutely zero physical or mental exertion (besides avoiding deli meat and raw food), toward the making of the baby inside me, and yet today Martyn has arms and legs and functioning organs and is practicing breathing and has his eyes open!! A wonderful and fearfully powerful act is going on in my body, and it is 110% the handiwork of the Sovereign God. 

On that note, it is not my "right" that creates life, a person and a soul, in my womb, it is God's divine prerogative. Anyone who has struggled with infertility is soberly aware of that fact. And it is not my "right" to take tools of destruction into my body and destroy the work that God has done, and vacuum it out like life was never present in my flesh. Like a soul was not there just a moment before, kicking and squirming and letting me know he doesn't like it when I lean on that side of my body because it squishes his space. The knitting together of a person is a wonderful work of God, my soul now knows it well. 

All to say, my understanding of God's sovereignty had not previously extended into the "secret place/depths" of my womb, but now I know and I praise God that it is His jurisdiction and that He rules and watches over everything in the universe. Lord, thank you for providing everything this baby needs to be formed into an image-bearer of you. May his soul bring much glory unto your name by the grace and mercy of your salvation. 

But When We See Thee As Thou Art We’ll Praise Thee As We Ought

By far, the best part of joining a new body of believers is getting to hear so many testimonies of how God has drawn His people to Himself. There are saints who grew up deaf to the sweet truth they were surrounded by and others who stumbled across it while listening to a radio program for financial advice that happened to share a station with Alistair Begg. There are brothers who were ensnared in the superstitious works of Catholicism and sisters who were staunch atheists. People who believed at age 4 and others who came to faith well past 40. If anything is clear, it is that God has worked an absolute spiritual miracle in each soul that he has caused to sit in a pew at RBC.

I found myself tonight looking at the congregation gathered for prayer meeting and was truly struck by what I was seeing, a room full of miracles. And in this day where we hear of the church being riddled with every kind of false gospel, faulty theology, slippery slope of post-modern thinking, and unbelievable account after account of moral failure and apostasy, it is a miracle that God has kept these people. It is a miracle that God has not removed the lampstand at this church, or any other church for that matter.

And though I consider it a miracle, it is not a mystery.
“Then I turned to see the voice that was speaking to me, and on turning I saw seven golden lampstands, and in the midst of the lampstands one like a son of man, clothed with a long robe and with a golden sash around his chest.” (Rev 1:12-13)
“We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.” (Heb 6:19-20)
“Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.” (Heb 7:25)
“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail.” (Luke 22:31-32a)

Praise be to Jehovah who sees our frailty, knows our frame, and pours out His steadfast loving kindness to sustain us and keep us forever. We can never be snatched out of God’s hand for we have the intercession of a divine High Priest. Therefore, may we take heed, repent for abandoning the love we had at first, and do the works He commands of us to the glory of His gracious name.

This The Power of the Cross

As someone who loves the doctrines of grace, I tend to place the focus on how undeserving I am to have been predestined, plucked out of my hell-bound way, and given saving faith through the power of the Holy Spirit. But in that focus, I've often forgotten to look to who and what our saving faith is placed in, the person and work of Jesus Christ, and more specifically the cross of Christ.

"But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." - Galatians 6:14

Our Pastor John Grevious delivered a wonderful reminder this Sunday that the believer's only boast should be in the cross of Christ. In doing so he led us to sing the modern hymn "The Power of the Cross" and reminded us that one form of boasting is also to glory in.

In singing that hymn, I found that my heart and soul were doing just that, glorying in the cross. I'm sad to say it's something that I don't do as often as I should, so I'd love to encourage you also, as we consider the verses of this hymn, to glory along with me - what happened at the cross?

• Christ, tried by sinful men: The Judge of the living and the dead allowed Himself to be tried by sinful men. He humbled Himself to the point of death, even the despicable death on the cross.
• Christ became sin for us: The only righteous man, the God-Man who is by nature thrice holy, became sin for us.
• He bore the awesome weight of sin: Jesus swallowed up, to the very dregs, the eternal hell deserved by sinful man. He bore and endured on our behalf the fullness of the wrath of the Almighty.
• Daylight fled, the ground quaked, as Christ died, nailed to a tree: The Creator of all creation, was nailed to a tree. The Giver of Life died, and the His created earth quaked and light fled in response.
• Curtain torn in two, "finished" the victory cry: The great chasm of separation between a holy God and His sinful people, set up that we may not die in His presence, was bridged by the life and death of the perfect God-Man. Hundreds of years of sacrifices which symbolized the deadly cost of sin, and pointed to the spotless sacrifice to come, were fulfilled, and salvation wrought for all who believe upon His name. Justification is finished, you cannot work for it.
• Dead are raised to life, death is crushed to death: At Christ's crucifixion, some dead were brought to life, to point to the reality that in the resurrection, Jesus Christ defeated death. In this, we see the power of the promise of eternal life in the presence of our King. 

Lord knows we could go on and on, but in this one hymn I've been so blessed to think on the magnificence of what we see on the cross. May our boast truly be in none other than the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

The Pearl of Great Price

My engagement ring being a pearl serves two wonderful purposes. First off, pearls are real cost-efficient and pretty, that makes me happy. Secondly, it is a reminder to me of the foolishness of the life I live, to the world who knows not the great price of the pearl of Christ.

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭13:45-46‬

While this parable wins relevance, I think the parable right before it actually better conveys the secret riches this pearl represents.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes out and sells all that he has and buys that field."

You see the world doesn't know that there is treasure hidden in that field. It sees Christians living by the words of an ancient book and considers them hatefully fundamental or sadly brainwashed at best. It sees Christians rejoicing in self-awareness of depravity, joyfully calling themselves slaves to Christ, fleeing from all the easy pleasures and comforts of the world, and cannot comprehend why they would live so foolishly.

But the non-believer fails to understand that God has already made his plan known. From ancient days he promised a Savior for the vile and helpless creatures of sin whom He loved. He's already sent the perfect Savior to crush the serpent's head and defeat sin and death forever, just as he said he would.

Isaiah 46:9-11

"remember the former things of old;

for I am God, and there is no other;

I am God, and there is none like me,

declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done,

saying, 'My counsel shall stand

and I will accomplish my purpose,'

calling a bird of prey from the east,

the mean of my counsel from a far country.

I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass;

I have purposed, and I will do it."

And since this is the truth, and He has done what he said He would in sending Jesus to be truly God and yet truly perfect man to make a way for salvation, we can also trust that everything He says about the future will surely come to pass. All eternal wrath and judgment for sinners, the true justness in that punishment, and also, the store of riches gathered for ambassadors of Christ who He promised to cause to obey their Master and pick up their cross daily for the glory of their King.

Isaiah 55:11

"so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty;

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."

Especially for those friends who I've known for more than the past 5 years, you've likely seen how the Lord has graciously changed me. I can no longer enjoy some of the things of the world. I keep annoying you with the gospel message as though if I declare it to you, it has the power to save you (it does). I'm in love with a guy who doesn't know how to "take off his Christian hat" even for a day. I know, I look like a foolish person who has sold all that they have for a dingy old field that nobody wants. But my friend, I know the magnificence of the true treasure that is promised, and the bulwark trustworthiness of the One who promises it.

Revelation 22:20

“He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!”

Who Is and Who Was and Who Is To Come

Passages like Ezekiel 1 which attempt to describe, in humanly conceivable terms, the overwhelming glories of the heavenly realm, feel something like speaking with someone who just can't quite find the right analogy. The author grapples with words to convey the magnificent glory of the Son of God -- "such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord."

When you think of Jesus Christ, who do you envision? Is it a brown-haired, light-skinned, kind-looking man welcoming children to him as he sits on a rock or holds a lamb?  Or maybe you have a more culturally aware picture of a plain middle eastern guy. But do you ever imagine this?:

"And above the expanse over their heads there was the likeness of a throne, in appearance like sapphire, and seated above the likeness of a throne was a likeness with a human appearance. And upward from what had the appearance of his waist I saw as it were gleaming metal, like the appearance of fire enclosed all around. And downward from what had the appearance of his waist I saw as it were the appearance of fire, and there was brightness around him. Like the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud on the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness all around."

Ezekiel 1:26-28

I was speaking with a beloved non-Christian friend of mine who said he was down for Jesus as a man, as a respectable role-model of morality. This picture of Christ as only a man, and not the glorious eternal Son of God who came for the purpose of redeeming souls headed toward eternal deserved wrath, is not only a false God and idol, but a gross distortion of who God reveals himself to be in His Word. I say that not to shame my dear friends who are willing to give a nod of approval to Christianity, but I say it as a warning against insulting the holy eternal Son by reducing him to an inoffensive, easily digestible figure who is powerless to save. 

Jesus Christ is both fully man, and fully eternal glorious Son of God, who we too should fall before at his feet as though dead (Rev 1:17). For this reason, it is astounding that He calls us friend, that he was born as perishable man, and that he lived to wash the feet of us Judas's by condescending all the way unto death as the perfect, all-powerful sacrifice. The incomprehensible range of Christ's being is amazing. Christian, see that He is truly "'the Alpha and the Omega,' says the Lord God, 'who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty'" (Rev 1:8). 

Theodidacti

"You must be theodidacti, that is, taught of God, not of men" - Zwingli

The first few chapters of 1 Corinthians emphasizes this, that the wonderful truth of the knowledge of Christ, the power and wisdom of God, is foolishness to the world. But it is the wisdom of man that is folly. 

"'The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile.' So let no one boast in men. For all things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future--all are yours, and you re Christ's, and Christ is God's." (1 Corinthians 3:20-23)

We have a God who teaches man, whose Spirit enters into our souls, and writes His very Word upon our hearts. For His glory, He has given us every thing: the Word of God is yours. The mysteries of salvation are yours. The life work and loving care of Paul, and the Apollos' and Cephas' of your life, are yours. The blood of countless martyrs is yours. The world, life, death, all things present, and all the future, yours. The flesh and blood of Christ, are for you sinner. For what? All for the purpose of  making you Christ's, to reconcile you to the Father, to the eternal glory and praise of His Holy Holy Holy name. 

See how outrageously God works all things for you, that you may be taught to glory in Him. I haven't posted in a while, and for now what I can share is that I'm currently in a monumental season of my life where the Lord is working so clearly and comprehensively to bring me to my knees in worship of Him. How could He care about me so? How could He bother with such specific providences in time and emotions, except that it's not about me. How the Father must love the Son, how holy and pleasing is the Son to the Father, that I would be regarded within Christ as worthy of such grace upon grace upon grace. 

Truly all things are mine, and I am Christ's, and Christ is God's.

Take my love, my Lord; I pour at Thy feet its treasure store

Man loves nothing in the world more than himself. And yet, the sum of the Christian life is the very denial of ourselves to worship and adore the original and only worthy recipient: God.

Getting wrecked by Calvin's On the Christian Life as I'm understanding what a self-denying love not only for God, but for my neighbors really means. When I've read "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13), my mind has always gone to the most extreme case: could I, in cinematic glory, take a bullet for my dear mother? Sure. But when I'm running late and she is nagging me for my lack of punctuality and goes on to begin criticizing various other errors in my character do I talk back and feel justified in telling her she's taking it way further than she needs to? .. Yes.

John 15:13 tells us that self-denial is to approach every situation with brothers and sisters in the posture of Christ at Gethsemane. Beyond suppressing feelings of righteous indignation, see Christ laying down His righteous Godly self in the face of immeasurable wrath and pain for the sake of unworthy, sleeping men. And he calls us friend.

So friend, who has received such grace - in the heat of argument, in the desire for lazy complacence, in the hurt of injustice, will you follow Christ and take up your cross in true self-denial? Will you obey the Lord, die to yourself, and put on His righteousness in loving your neighbor?

---

Side note, the more I understand God's commandments and the impossibility of my obeying them apart from His Spirit, the more I grow in respect and awe for Jesus Christ. Who could be so holy and yet subject himself to such horrible punishment for a worm as I? Who could love the widow and orphan, while going and sending, and maintaining the pure simplicity of the gospel while teaching clear doctrine? Who could so perfectly obey God's command, but the fulfillment of the Law and the prophets Himself: the perfect Lamb.

I will love you Lord, help me not to love myself.