When I read “The Mortification of Sin” this year, I expected to find help in repenting of and overcoming those "pet" sins which I considered to be gray area matters. Things like being on social media a little too much, deciding to watch a YouTube video or an episode of something when I could be devoting my mind to spiritual things, or speaking of someone in a way that might be borderline gossip. Given that this is what I expected to find, I read it in that lens. But last week, I was forced to realize how desperately I actually need the lessons in that book.
I'll save the details of our family matters, because the circumstances don't justify anything. I basically found myself in a situation where I was serving my family, as I should be, and I was tired of it. I felt like I should be receiving more praise, I felt like I deserved a pity party, and I felt like indulging in irritation. And my mind knew, these are sinful. It was not a gray area matter, it was not even a question, I said to myself in that moment: "I am sinning, and I. don't. care."
I'm embarrassed to recount that, because it is 100% inexcusable. It is at best annoyingly immature, and more frankly worthy of divine wrath. I was surprised to realize I felt this way. The Lord is typically kind to grant me repentance, but in this instance, my eyes had seen the sin, and I had hungrily taken hold of it and gobbled it up, and I wanted more. I wanted to fume, I wanted to pout and whine and grumble in detesting the glorious and merciful gifts the Lord has given me in my family. God forbid it ever happen, but have you ever let your flesh go off the rails like this?
Thankfully, within a few hours I was made to see the grossness of my heart anew. Praise God for it. I'm not gonna make it romantic guys, it wasn't some grand lesson that has propelled me into spiritual maturity. It was a low moment, even (or especially?) for a redeemed sinner on earth, and I want to equip myself and you all with how to renew your mind should you ever find yourself in this wretched place:
A few notes on seeing sin rightly, taken from John Owen:
- The lust of the heart is crafty, it darkens the mind to keep it from understanding its own miserable condition. It comes equipped with excuses to muddy the waters of what is good and what is evil. Evil sin is evil. Leave no room for justifications or it will grow stronger in taking hold of you. "Take heed, lest any of you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin" (abbrev. of Heb 3:12-13)
- The pursuit of sin means you forfeit the powers of peace and joy with God (at least in this moment). This is not a comment on your eternal assurance of salvation. But right there as you choose the sin, you must recognize that you are choosing to give up the present joy of fellowship with God, and instead wound your own soul in the life-long battle against Satan. The sin you grasp hold of will only cause "broken bones, a disquieted soul, and grievous wounds" during your earthly pilgrimage, as David so describes in his psalms.
- Consider the shame (not before others, but between you and God). Against the infinite patience and forbearance of the Father, you have acted treacherously and falsely, flattering him with your lips, but breaking all promises and engagements. The Lord Jesus is wounded afresh by this present sin, his love is betrayed, his adversary gratified. You actively grieve the Holy Spirit who has come to your soul, a seal of the inheritance prepared for you. "What have I done? What love, what mercy, what blood, what grace, have I despised and trampled on! Is this the return I make to the Father for his love, to the Son for his blood, to the Holy Ghost for his grace?"
Let these stir in you a longing for deliverance. "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?"
And may a right thinking of your sin lead also to a joyful answer as it always should, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
