Last night in San Diego

It’s our last night in San Diego and I’m laying awake in awe of the kindness of my God tonight. Seeing the Pacific Ocean as we made our way down from LA, my heart felt full with the sense of coming home. I only lived in La Jolla for 3.25 years, but it was where I was born again, made a new creature in Christ.

I think about who I was, and what the Lord has done since 2012 when a self-obsessed high school senior became a grossly prideful freshmen in college. How He had such mercy on a wretched girl, to make the Word of God sweet to her, and to open her eyes to the source of her idolatrous filth, her very own being. How He freed me from unbelief and slavery to sin, and enraptured my heart with  a glimpse of the glorious Christ.

The 4 years since I left my beloved La Jolla have seen both the most painful and most joyful moments in my life. God has tested me, and by His mighty hand has led me through valleys and up to grand viewpoints of His goodness. He has done it for my good and for His glory. He has granted me the undeserved privilege to be sanctified as a wife and as a mother. He has stripped me of myself, and to my delight has made me just a teeny bit more like His Son.

What a gracious God. What a kind Father. I praise you Lord, not only for what you’ve done, but who You are. Holy, glorious, magnificent, awesome. All glory, laud, and honor unto you.

Take heed, quarrelsome wife

Between reading through Proverbs lately and hearing a series of sermons on the danger of apostasy, I’ve come to see myself clearly: in me, there is a quarrelsome wife.

If you’ve been around Christian culture you’re likely to have heard one of the following proverbs:
Proverbs 21:9 AND Proverbs 25:24 “It is better to live in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
Proverbs 27:15 “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;”
Proverbs 21:19 “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.”

Because of these verses and how they’re thrown around humorously in the church, I’ve actually grown very sensitive to the word “quarrelsome.” If my husband even so much as hinted that I was picking a fight or dragging something on longer than need be, I would immediately grow defensive and accuse him of comparing his dear wife to an incessant drip or worthy of running away from to a desert land.

A recent sermon on 1st Cor 10:12 (“Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.”) had me in a posture to be careful and sober in taking a good look at myself. Am I THE quarrelsome wife? Well, no. I think I can confidently say that my husband feels no need to retreat to a corner of the attic to avoid my unpleasantness.

But then is this proverb really written for the woman whose husband has run off to the desert because of her? Is Proverbs 19:24 (“The sluggard buries his hand in the dish and will not even bring it back to his mouth.”) really written for lazy people who are stuck to bowls because they cannot be bothered to bring the food to their mouths? No, it is to show us the wretched end of one who continues in this way. The way of the sluggard, the way of the quarrelsome wife, the way of the apostate.

So it led me to consider the way of the quarrelsome wife.
Is she easy to offend because of her pride? (I am.)
Does she sometimes speak harshly to get her point across? (I do.)
In the heat of an argument does she completely forget that she is to be like Christ who serves humbly and deals mercifully? (Yup, this is me).

I could go on.. I think the lesson here is honestly to not think yourself above the wisdom of the warnings Scripture gives us. Take heed, see yourself for who you are clearly, and do not forget the reflection you've seen in the mirror of God’s Word.

Things I learned on maternity leave

My absurdly gracious maternity leave is finally coming to a close. As I pray and fight Martyn for him to take the bottle before Tuesday, I'm also recounting the wonderful things I've learned in the past almost 6 months:

• The sovereign God who upholds the universe has regard for tiny new lives. He is so merciful to touch little ones with the kindness of healing. 
• The feeling of being upheld by the powerful prayers of the saints, and the sweet joy of bearing together the burdens of the church body
• My mom was right. I would crave korean seaweed soup for every meal for weeks after delivering baby.
• Every conversation, every need that needs to be met, every conflict, every hour is an opportunity to glorify God. If we resist Satan in it, he will flee from us.
• My Father who sees my righteous deeds in secret will save up for me an eternal reward. I need not squander that reward on earth by recounting those deeds to my husband or others in hopes of receiving the praise of man. 
• After extensive study, it is indeed not clear exactly what that eternal reward will be or how it will work. But what is clear is this, God cares about our heart and our deeds of obedience. He will reward them. There is a crown of life and righteousness and glory awaiting us, and we don't deserve it..
• All of those righteous deeds are from His hand. One night, Martyn cries and I look at him lovingly with a heart full of joy to rock him as he screams. Another night, I grumble and complain with hatred in my heart. The difference is prayer and a humble heart to know that I must ask God to continue preparing good works for me.
• Do not fall into the trap of asking if I deserve a break or if others in the household are not doing enough. Jesus my Master washed the feet of sinners and died on a wretched cross for me. I am to gladly serve with a heart filled with unworthy joy. 
• George Whitefield is, like, a really good preacher.
• Repent faster. Speak truth to myself faster. Break the delusion of self-righteousness faster. There isn't enough time in the day for my wretchedness.
• Babies have issues. They are tiny human beings that are underdeveloped in ways that give them many ailments. My joy and trust in the Lord must remain steadfast through each momentary suffering. 
• Crockpots are awesome.

It Was My Sin That Held Him There, Until It Was Accomplished

When I read “The Mortification of Sin” this year, I expected to find help in repenting of and overcoming those "pet" sins which I considered to be gray area matters. Things like being on social media a little too much, deciding to watch a YouTube video or an episode of something when I could be devoting my mind to spiritual things, or speaking of someone in a way that might be borderline gossip. Given that this is what I expected to find, I read it in that lens. But last week, I was forced to realize how desperately I actually need the lessons in that book.

I'll save the details of our family matters, because the circumstances don't justify anything. I basically found myself in a situation where I was serving my family, as I should be, and I was tired of it. I felt like I should be receiving more praise, I felt like I deserved a pity party, and I felt like indulging in irritation. And my mind knew, these are sinful. It was not a gray area matter, it was not even a question, I said to myself in that moment: "I am sinning, and I. don't. care."

I'm embarrassed to recount that, because it is 100% inexcusable. It is at best annoyingly immature, and more frankly worthy of divine wrath. I was surprised to realize I felt this way. The Lord is typically kind to grant me repentance, but in this instance, my eyes had seen the sin, and I had hungrily taken hold of it and gobbled it up, and I wanted more. I wanted to fume, I wanted to pout and whine and grumble in detesting the glorious and merciful gifts the Lord has given me in my family. God forbid it ever happen, but have you ever let your flesh go off the rails like this?

Thankfully, within a few hours I was made to see the grossness of my heart anew. Praise God for it. I'm not gonna make it romantic guys, it wasn't some grand lesson that has propelled me into spiritual maturity. It was a low moment, even (or especially?) for a redeemed sinner on earth, and I want to equip myself and you all with how to renew your mind should you ever find yourself in this wretched place:

A few notes on seeing sin rightly, taken from John Owen:

• The lust of the heart is crafty, it darkens the mind to keep it from understanding its own miserable condition. It comes equipped with excuses to muddy the waters of what is good and what is evil. Evil sin is evil. Leave no room for justifications or it will grow stronger in taking hold of you. "Take heed, lest any of you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin" (abbrev. of Heb 3:12-13)
  
• The pursuit of sin means you forfeit the powers of peace and joy with God (at least in this moment). This is not a comment on your eternal assurance of salvation. But right there as you choose the sin, you must recognize that you are choosing to give up the present joy of fellowship with God, and instead wound your own soul in the life-long battle against Satan. The sin you grasp hold of will only cause "broken bones, a disquieted soul, and grievous wounds" during your earthly pilgrimage, as David so describes in his psalms.
  
• Consider the shame (not before others, but between you and God). Against the infinite patience and forbearance of the Father, you have acted treacherously and falsely, flattering him with your lips, but breaking all promises and engagements. The Lord Jesus is wounded afresh by this present sin, his love is betrayed, his adversary gratified. You actively grieve the Holy Spirit who has come to your soul, a seal of the inheritance prepared for you. "What have I done? What love, what mercy, what blood, what grace, have I despised and trampled on! Is this the return I make to the Father for his love, to the Son for his blood, to the Holy Ghost for his grace?"
  

Let these stir in you a longing for deliverance. "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" 

And may a right thinking of your sin lead also to a joyful answer as it always should, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" 

Peace I ask, but peace must be, Lord, in being one with Thee

A disclaimer up front that the following should really be two blog posts, but I mashed them into one because hey, it's my blog, and the thoughts rolled out like this:

BLOG POST 1:
Martyn has eczema. So naturally, I turned to mama facebook groups to ask how do I fix it? The answers I received were overwhelming. Cut dairy and/or gluten and/or eggs and/or peanuts. Change his bath temperature, bath wash, organic cotton clothes, laundry detergent. Grapeseed oil, aquaphor, steroid creams, antibiotics. Perhaps describing my reaction as "naturally," really is the best way to describe my initial delusions. My fleshly nature, considering myself to be God, desired to take hold of the situation and assert my sovereignty over it. I would calculate the factors, do the research, and heal my baby! But very quickly, the seemingly endless number of potential solutions dissolved me into an indecisive puddle. Is aquaphor helping or hurting his condition? Should I bathe him more often, or less often? Am I a bad mom if I eat this chocolate cake? All to say, the Lord was gracious to stop me in my anxious meandering and bring me to meditate on Philippians 3 and 4.

Philippians 3:18-20 tells us that those who are the enemies of the cross of Christ have their minds set on earthly things. We are called then, not to set our minds on earthly things, but consider our citizenship in heaven, and instead await our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. But Paul is not telling us to remove all thought of matters of the present world. He tells us instead, not to be anxious about anything "but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God" (4:6). So by all means, pray wholeheartedly for your baby's skin, or the many greater and lesser issues that concern our human conditions. If we do so while putting off the anxious heart, we are promised in exchange "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding" and it will "guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus" (4:7). God knows we are attacked and afflicted by anxiety, and our wonderful defense against it is Christ Jesus.

Moreover, we are to set our minds on that which is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. As we do this and continue to practice what we have seen and received and heard in the Word of God, the God of peace will be with us (4:8-9). For our God is a God who supplies our every need according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Sparknotes to remind myself next time Martyn's bandaid falls off and he starts rubbing at his open eczema sore with his fists:

• Do not set my mind on earthly things
• Consider my citizenship in heaven
• Await my Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ
• Pray with thanksgiving to the God of peace
• Make my requests known to God in supplication
• Remember that my heart and mind is guarded by Christ Jesus
• Set my mind on what is really good
• Practice what I have seen and received and heard in the Word of God
• Remember that God supplies my every need in the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus

BLOGPOST 2:
I don't like that I just wrote a blog post about how God helps my anxiety. God is so much bigger than my feelings, and has done so much more than cure this earthly predicament.

From early on, I've had an aversion to women's ministry content. It often felt like it was addressing me as if my biggest issues were body image, discontent with singleness, and feeling "broken". Not only were these all things that I didn't actually struggle with, I felt like they were sorely missing the mark because my greatest problem is this: I am a sinner before a holy God.

But then I became a mom, and all of a sudden the mom blogs were singing my tune. I do need gospel hope in breastfeeding, in sleeplessness, in doing chores joyfully, in trying to have patience and grace and gentleness. The reality is, the person and work of Jesus Christ does indeed have beautiful implications for all our earthly issues.

BUT, it cannot end there. What a pity it is if I clasp my hands joyfully around the little momentary peace I've received, and I fail to look up into the glorious face of the Prince of Peace who has bought my eternal reconciliation.

In Hebrews 3:1-6 we see a description of the glory of Moses, only to show how "Jesus has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses - as much more glory as the builder of a house has more honor than the house itself". The writer of Hebrews employs a tactic of acknowledging the goodness of the lesser in order to further highlight the greatness of the greater.

I reference this because I believe we need to stop settling for the lesser of earthly grace, and let its glory show the greater eternal truth as ever more glorious. Yes, God takes away the hurt of feeling unloved, but marvel even more at the love which condescended from heavenly glory to the cross. God's sovereignty does free us from frustration with singleness, but consider more the eternal hand that predestined you unto salvation through His Son. For these and all other earthly joys granted to us from our gracious God, may we focus our minds on the only One who is worthy of our eternal praise. Enjoy the sunset, and fear the Almighty Creator. Relish in the comfort of your bed, and adore the Good Shepherd who gives rest to your soul. Delight in your little ones, and remember Abba Father who has loved you into adoption through the sacrifice of his own begotten.

Prince of Peace, control my will,
Bid this struggling heart be still;
Bid my fears and doubtings cease,
Hush my spirit into peace.

Thou hast bought me with thy blood,
Open'd wide the gate to God;
Peace, I ask, but peace must be,
Lord, in being one with thee.

("Prince of Peace, Control My Will" - Mary Dana Shindler)